Can we talk about this for a minute? Because there’s a huge difference between the two.

Why do I say sexuality vs. sex? It seems pretty simple to some, but for others, I feel like the thought of their sexuality rarely ever even crosses their minds. I can only say that because this is exactly how my brain functioned and approached all things “sexy” before I took the extra step to understand my true desires, fantasies, and dislikes. It takes a lot to own who are.

Our sexualities are influenced by a number of factors including, but not limited to: the individual, family, culture, religion/spirituality, laws, professions, institutions, science, and even politics. This may come as a surprise, but a lot of the perceptions we’ve formed about our own sexualities come from our external environment. To top it off, not everyone has the same definition of sex, and what sex may look like for you can be the complete polar opposite of how Mary Jane approaches her definition of sex. This makes sex extremely exciting and new for each encounter, but can also easily cause miscommunications throughout the experience.

How is it that sex can come before our own sexualities? For instance, why do we step into sexual encounters at the mere ages of 15 and 16 years old without know jack sh*t about ourselves? With both persons coming from wildly different backgrounds, there is bound to be a misstep to incur. This is why I feel it to be vital to our health and our personal growth to teach about the difference between sexuality and sex at a young age (before puberty) because when it comes down to it, that’s what we’re exploring in those formative years when we reach for sex, isn’t it? We’re all just trying to figure out what feels good and what doesn’t feel good, but the average teens aren’t equipped with the tools to navigate safely (because of the lack of sexuality education), so what do we do? Full speed ahead!! “Put that P in my V.. I don’t even know if that’s what I like but apparently, that’s what sex is, so, let’s do the da*n thing!”

Circling back…

Sexuality is key to our understanding of sex. This is can also be thought of as “Talking The Talk, Before Walking The Walk.” This goes hand-in-hand with understanding our bodies and the acts of self-pleasure, healthy relationships, and emotions in a safe and secure manner. I know that when I was an adolescent, I didn’t fully grasp human anatomy, oh but I was sure as hell letting people play with it like it was their f*cking right! Now, I’m not saying that because I explored my sexuality in an uneducated manner that I’m forever scarred (but let’s be honest, who isn’t forever scarred), I’m just pointing out that, had I known more about myself before I went out and ventured into the world of sex, I might have had stronger communication skills to this day, as well as, a better understanding of good touch and bad touch, among many other things.

I only just started truly stepping into my sexuality at the ripe age of 22. This is when BDSM became a major aspect of my sexuality, and I owe most of my understanding of myself strictly to the BDSM philosophies. Because of the types of interactions I chose to dabble with (impact play, power exchange, sensory deprivation, etc.), communication became essential to each interaction. A lot of the play was also focused on MY pleasure, and I struggled with the infamous “O”. This led to lots and lots of self-pleasure and understanding my anatomy more thoroughly, as well as, understanding the fact that every “O” is different, every body is different, and that I needed to be more honest about what felt good and what didn’t feel good.

From this point on, sex became a lot more carnal instead of performative. I started to become proud of my desires rather than ashamed of them, and I found that the more honest I was with my partners about my needs, the sexier and more confident I became! I really had to shed a lot of what I was taught and understand the influences around me that were shaping my view of sexuality and sex alike. They are two completely different topics and must be treated as so.

This is my humble opinion and I’m glad that you read this far.

Signed,

The PsycHoe